Anime Corner Forum Index Anime Corner
A Forum for Anime,Roleplay,Cosplay, and japan lovers!
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   Join! (free) Join! (free)  
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 
Need help creticking my fanfic.....
Page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Anime Corner Forum Index -> Fanfics
View previous topic :: View next topic  

is it good?
good ^^
100%
 100%  [ 2 ]
needs improvement
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 2

Author Message
Please Register and Login to this forum to stop seeing this advertising.






Posted:     Post subject:

Back to top
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 11:11 pm    Post subject: Need help creticking my fanfic.....  Reply with quote

ok here is the qualifing fanfic if cody replies tonight (propbly not) its its lacking a few sentaces but for th most part its finished.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, what is it lacking??
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Overlord
L-O-V-E-S Anime Corner!!


Joined: 10 Oct 2006
Posts: 697


Location: In a Swirling Vortex of Evil

PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

where is it?
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(zombie voice) Tell us!! Tell us!!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cloud?


I sat there oblivious to the world, nonexistent, transparent. Books were my life I lived to read every word that was in scripted on the page that’s connected to the mind and body of all books. Until I saw a movie called Final Fantasy Advent Children. That day my life changed forever. My name was Rene Rider I had just turned 15 and had so many crushes that my love triangle was a circle. But let’s get back to the real reason your reading this story……
It happened on a normal regular day at a normal everyday school, people were talking in the hall, saying hi and catching up on what ever happen that night, lovers loving, and me, sitting at a desk in my first class of the day, math. People think your stupid when you come into class first thing in the morning but I’m always alert and aware of who is where, talking to who and what they are talking about. I was always like that I don’t know why, maybe it was because of reading so many books you learn to listen more carefully then the average person would. Anyway I was sitting in my usual spot, front row second seat on the right, reading a new book that had been released in one of my favorite series. Mr. Blevins was talking about slope intercept form and I was, of course, reading right in front of him and getting a lot of looks from behind. I would not say I’m pretty, I’m a norm (al) I had a few blemishes, a constantly changing eye color between the colors of blue, green, and silver. Dark cascading brown hair and a nice figure. A lot of guys liked me but I had no interest in them, only books and my grades.
While Mr. Blevins wrote on the board I had temporarily set my book down to give the impression that I was listening to him. Apart from books my other hobby is day dreaming, it only took seconds for me to be enveloped in racing down the highway on Cloud Strife’s motorcycle from Final Fantasy VI. Spiked blond hair, sky blue eyes, golden claws that gleamed in the sunlight, and a billowing red cape over a strong muscular body. Instead of having one wing I gave him two in my dreams (it seems odd only having one wing). I was so entranced in my own thoughts that I didn’t notice the temperature drop about 10 degrees that only took 2 seconds. That’s when I noticed about the same time when it dropped 20 more degrees and still falling, that ice had started covering the windows. I inhaled through my nose then exhaled out my mouth watching the wisps of my warm breath rise then vanish the next moment I glanced at the door, everything had turned white because of the ice except the door. It was a deep mesmerizing black that looked like if you walked into it you would go to a different dimension.
That’s when it happened, black smoke was curling around the edges of the door and the ice on the window of the door began to melt as the window shattered. A big dark flame curled around the doorknob then the door as is in slow motion opened and a dark swirling mass of flames appeared on the other side. I don’t know what I was doing, my body was moving on its own and before I knew it I was standing about 1 meter away from the mass of dark flames. The dark flame shifted then a long dark flame reached out and formed a black leather gloved hand turned palm up. Out of pure shock and curiosity I stared into the darkness of flames then slowly stretched out my hand and put it in the gloved hand. All at once every thing happened so fast I can hardly recall it ever happening. The flame stepped forward, no, it separated and the rest of the figure appeared behind the hand. I caught my breath as he appeared exactly as I have always dreamed about cape, hair, everything! Then the flames swept over him changing his outfit to tight black leather pants with crisscrossing belts, black tank top, silver claws on both hands, and black sunglasses. He looked at me with a glint of light refracted off his sunglasses and smiled.
“Hello Wren.” Was all Cloud uttered, then I remember falling and he caught me at the waist in the next instant his wings frilled out of his back then powered down jetting us upward.
Then we were on his motorcycle racing down an empty highway I held onto his waist tightly as me sped faster toward the horizon. I felt something wrapped around my wrist and pulled it back to look and it was a black dragon, it was partly wrapped around the lower part of my arm twice then formed an “S” shape on the top part of my hand then wrapped around once on my middle finger the head resting at the front of my knuckle.
“If you ever find out what’s in scribed on the under belly of the dragon I have failed.” Cloud exclaimed, he said it loud enough over the wind and all but it sounded like he said it right next to my ear. “Hold on, we have company, don’t look back.” He said hunkering down for more speed, I immediately put my hand back and hunched over too.
Just then two more motorcycles were right next to us it was ____ and _______ Cloud’s worst enemies. Cloud opened up the sword carrier and took out a sword shielding me from the first spray of bullets. The other two bikers sped ahead spinning their bikes driving backwards to keep the barrage of bullets coming at us. Cloud grabbed another sword and launched himself off the bike ripping him from my grasp so that I was left alone. The three of them were dukeing it out when ______ spun his bike out and slammed his brakes on riding right next to me with a gun to my head ________ smirked and Cloud spun around midair glasses becoming see-through to where you could see, a look that would make mountains crumble with sadness and ocean’s are replaced with tears. Every thing seemed to go slow-mo and the trigger was pulled then their was a white flash of light, sounds, colors, everything gone in an instant.
I snapped my head back off my right arm making everybody around me jump. Everybody was looking at me, and then I looked at Mr. Blevins he was looking at me in one of those “I asked you a question looks.”
“What was the question?” I asked.
“I said it’s almost time to leave, get your things together.” Mr. Blevins said snootily.
“Oh I replied, ok.” I relaxed a bit, then side glancing I noticed someone looking at my face I touched it gingerly and felt rivets then looked


and thats all i got right now......still adding on....
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

there happy creepy voice?
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never mind. You don't get what I'm talkin about
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHAT!!!!!!! I NEED HELP HERE SO HELP ME!!!!!!!!!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Alexandria
Top Poster


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 2127



PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's not your psychiatrist
_________________
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame.  Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned.  But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.  You gotta get up and try.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will when I can. And you don't get what I'm asking you to do are you?
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i didn't know you asked a question?!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHEN I ASKED YOU TO READ MY FANFIC!!!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

im trying good grief im a fast reader but plase sheesh....
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Alexandria
Top Poster


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 2127



PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once agian...TAKE A CHILL PILL ALERON!!!
_________________
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame.  Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned.  But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.  You gotta get up and try.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

so how is it so far you all still havent commented on it...
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Overlord
L-O-V-E-S Anime Corner!!


Joined: 10 Oct 2006
Posts: 697


Location: In a Swirling Vortex of Evil

PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very interesting
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you here's some more


“Oh.” I replied, “Ok.” I relaxed a bit, then side glancing I noticed someone looking at my face I touched it gingerly and felt rivets then felt like scales. I immediately looked at my right arm and there was the dragon its blue eyes were slowly fading back to black because I had just woken up. Then the bell rang.

In my favorite class of the day I asked the teacher if I could take a break because while everybody was still working on their projects I had already went a head and finished two more while they were and their first I was on my third. The entire time I was sitting at my table my friend was asking me where I got it I said my boyfriend got it for me then avoided any other conversations because I was to busy marveling at the craftsmanship done on the dragon. Then a thought struck me, what did Cloud mean when he said “If you ever find out what’s in scribed on the under belly of the dragon I have failed.” I closed my eyes trying to figure out what went on then started asking questions like “Can the dragon on my arm brake? Why did he put it on my arm if it would? Was he sent to protect me? If so then who? On the highway where were we, and where were we going?” All at one it came to me, as many fantasy novels as I have read it should have came to me sooner. I can go between parallel universes! We were on out way to my school coming off the highway and Cloud was protecting me from Yazoo and Loz! This dragon on my arm has something to do with it because how did it get there and why did it only happen while I was asleep? Wait a minute if they were on the highway coming here I wont be able to see them because I was sleeping right?
My question was answered by a searing pain on my arm, I stood up holding my arm and looking at it the dragon was glowing red and it felt like it was burning my skin off. I looked up and for a split second Yazoo’s face was in front of mine and his faced looked full of triumph. His hand was on the dragon and I bet that was what was making it react this way. Well I wasn’t about be the helpless prisoner to this moron I lashes out with my dragon arm and it felt like I hit something and the pain on my arm stopped but I wasn’t about to stick around to find out if I’d actually hit him I was making a brake for the door. I heard the art teacher call my name and ran to the phone to call the office that a student was trying to leave school property. Running down the hall I hypothesized that we were “technically” in the same place at the same time just they were invisible to me and everybody else.
I turned and headed for the stairs leading to the ground floor jumping to get a little more distance between us I headed for the double glass doors leading directly to the outside and into a parking lot but before I could reach them a strong gust of wind flew past me probably a motorcycle. I ran all the faster to the doors making it outside then sprinting across the football field and I could hear them catching up to me but then their noises were overcame by another noise, I knew exactly what that noise was too, police sirens. They were piling up in the parking lot and now they were chasing me across the field. Good grief, leave it to my school to call the cops. Approaching the fence I started to feel dizzy and light headed but I pushed myself to climb over the fence anyway the cops followed but at a much slower pace. I darted between buildings trying to lose the cops and Yazoo. Cop cars were now on the other side of the fence and they were careening around the buildings, I ran into a dead end and turned to see a cop car blocking my way out it was tight but the car kept coming closer closing in on me. I noticed a ladder hanging off the side of a building just above where the car was approaching the cop though he had me, he should learn; never underestimate you opponent no matter how young. The car was now directly below the ladder I ran towards the car and it stopped and the cop started getting out, I jumped up on the hood then the top of the car then jumped for the ladder. The ladder clanked at first then held firm and I started to climb as fast as I could, the cop was completely dumbfounded as I reached the roof.
Some dirt was thrown up and I knew it was Yazoo I watched the ground as I raced to confront him. I knew he had his gun out so I ran at a certain level then as soon as he was next to me I jumped above the round of bullets he had just fired, not good enough one embedded itself into my left leg. I meant to land on both feet but instead I somersaulted once on the ground then started running again I leapt over a short distance between two buildings and I heard cop cars racing underneath me following my every move. When I landed I couldn’t support myself and ended up falling over and over because of my momentum until I hit the other end if the roof’s wall. I put both hands on either side of me and rolled over facing up to the sky, breathing heavily and sweating a lot I propped myself up against the wall. I don’t get it I’m very athletic why am I panting so hard? My attention was drawn to my left side a big gash was their and socked with blood.
“Must have been when I was trying to get outside the school.” I said with much difficulty.
“Rene? Rene Rider!” it was a cop on a megaphone. “We know you’re up there, come down here so we can talk about this.” And as if on queue a motorcycle noise was heard jumping from roof to roof. My vision started to blur, a crow (or what looked like one) was circling over head then started to dive toward her. Someone grabbed my arm and the dragon started hurting again, it was Yazoo.
“You don’t mind if I take this do you?” he said with a smug grin. Then started pulling on it harder and the pain was so grate I let out a scream and Yazoo was instantly ripped away from my arm. Cloud was standing between me and Yazoo with a hard glare he pointed his sword at Yazoo who immediately took a step back. Cloud turned around sword still pointed at Yazoo and stared at me putting his free hand on my for head.
“How much longer can you hold out?” Cloud asked worriedly. My response was taking a deep breath that resulted in me coughing and sitting up looking at him through determined eyes. “Ok then just leave everything to me and I’ll be ba-“ before he could finish his sentence Loz appeared jumping over a building from behind us. Leaning over to the side Loz grabbed me by the scruff of my collar half strangling me then threw me onto his motorcycle. Cloud jumped up took one step forward but then had to shield himself from Yazoo’s barrage of bullets but then quickly recovered swinging his other blade making Yazoo stop then charged. Yazoo set him up another chain of bullets long enough foe him to get on his bike and ride away.
“Rene! Rene! What’s happening up there?” it was the cops again but this time a helicopter came soaring over head, Cloud had to run for it, blood was running down one of his arms form where he had been holding Rene. He could be easily spotted unless he got it off. Cloud had to retreat for now. He unfurled his dark wings and looked over his shoulder, Yazoo and Loz wasn’t even visible but he thought for a moment and turned around towards the direction they were going and took off in a flurry. All that was left was sirens and a greatest disappearing act ever known to be done by a kid.

Rene was tied to Los’s back so she wouldn’t fall off the bike and was limply sitting up barely aware of what was going on.
“Wake up Mrs. Rene, we need you alive and well if I am to torment Cloud properly.” Yazoo exclaimed poking his gun barrel at my forehead.
“Yazoo, if we plan on keeping her alive then she at least needs to be bandaged up a little. Humans are easily killed due to the loss of blood and other minor injuries.” Los said looking at Yazoo with serious eyes.
“Well fine Loz but we’ll use bandages to at least slow it down but still have that desperate look.” Yazoo said annoyed slowing down and pulling over. I ran what was happening to me through my head about when the body looses too much blood and what happens, glazed eyes, dizziness, weakness, and a high fever. I had all of them. Then a thought struck me. When I was asleep Cloud found me so easily and I was immediately transported to their world, that’s why the want me to stay awake! I then started taking long deep breaths slowing down my heart rate and my limbs started getting numb. Loz was dressing my wounds when Yazoo noticed I was trying to fall asleep.
“Oh no you don’t Mrs. Rene!” Yazoo fired a warning shot from his gun across my neck making a dribble of blood fall, but he was too late I was awake in their realm and up and running before they could do anything else. I was running through the forest my feet pounding the dry earth sending up little clouds of dust in my wake. I don’t know where I was going as long as it wasn’t where those two were. It wasn’t long before I heard their motorcycles churning up the ground behind me, I tripped and fell over a rock and rolled like a log off the main path I was on into the bushes. As I watched their bikes speed past to the north I laid there gasping for breath and
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's FF VII, Not VI, Loz and Yazoo are Not his worst enemies, Sephiroth is. And you had a lot of Gramatical errors, but sotry wise, so far so good
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
CyborgAdmin
Lonley Wolf


Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 906


Location: Nerdfighteria

PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the 2 guys on the bikes i need those 2 name you said they were Loz and Yazoo thats how you typed it in and im just going by the movie of FFAC.ok and the grammar errory im trying to work on...
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Aleron
Zodiac Brave


Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 1993


Location: Ivalice

PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need a good understanding of FFVII to obtain AC properly


_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Anime Corner Forum Index -> Fanfics All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Card File  Gallery  Forum Archive
Powered by phpBB © 2003, 2004 phpBB Group

-- Template created by :: Program Houze :: --
Create your own free forum | Buy a domain to use with your forum